The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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