This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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