It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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