you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
