you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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