I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
