There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Can you bring me the toilet please
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
