woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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