can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
