I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
