I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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