i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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