omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
