you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
