Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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