did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
