Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
accomplished twins. life is a go
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
