Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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