Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
