He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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