I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
