Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
