he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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