What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
