You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
