Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
