And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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