That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
