He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
