If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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