i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
