In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
