farters have to be the big spoon...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
