the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
