Define "chronic" masturbator.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
