Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
