I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
