I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
