i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
