god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
