Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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