he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
