i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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