i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
