She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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