so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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