Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
it wasn't lemon gatorade
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
