She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
