is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
