plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
