from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i think im in europe. pls send help
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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