He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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